I mentioned in the first “Hear ye, Hear ye” that I had spied with my stylish eye a whole lot of head, shoulders, knees and toes mistakes going on as I’m out and about. Back then I ranted about the horrendous headgear horrors. Well I’m back with some more about, you guessed it, mister and misses – the shoulders. I have seen some sights stretched and strewn across people’s backs and I just have to try to do all I can to start righting some of these wrongs. So put you’re listening ears on, and get your kleenex out – because I’m about to hurt some feelings.
1. Honey, I blew up the baby. I know a lot of people like them. But I have a real issue with these super cropped cardigans. They’re about as necessary as most of the stuff sold on the Home Shopping Network. And on top of that, I just think they make every women look like the incredible Hulk after someone said something bad about his mama.It’s just not doing anyone any good. Looking for a sexy sweater? Try a fitted cardigan with some gathering at the bottom, that hits just at your hip bones – or even one that is cropped to your belly button (Like this one). It’s possible to pull off the sexy librarian look without looking like your sweater lost in a scuffle with the dryer. Put that sweater back on the Bratz doll you borrowed it from and we’ll get you something a little more human sized.
2. You can go, but I’m stain. I didn’t think that I should have to tell anyone this, but real life tells me that I do. It is not okay to wear stained shirts, hoodies, sweaters, blouses, anything out of the house. If you spill something on your shirt on the way to work then I guess you do the best you can with a wet paper towel and I’ll give you a pass. But if I consistently see you coming to work (yes, I said work) with a stained sweatshirt on (and yes people, I said sweatshirt to work) then there is a real problem. I understand that the dirty laundry can pile up sometimes. My apartment is 7/8ths clothes so I know how it can get. BUT we’re adults now and we need to make something out of nothing for the sake of looking that way when we step out of the house. Invest in a Tide to Go Stain Remover stick, a bib and some etiquette lessons. Let’s nip this in the bud and figure out why so much of your wardrobe has your meals on it. But until we get all of that settled, just change your shirt. You big nasty.
3. You just call on me, sister. Ladies. Let’s be honest, as great as it is to be a women, it is a full-time job. We wear a lot of hats and there are a lot of things we have to keep looking right and tight. And one of those things is our undergarment maintenance. I have a mother who is a stickler for all clothing fitting correctly, even those things that no one sees during the day. She always says that if it doesn’t fit then you will be pulling at it all day and everyone will know that it doesn’t fit. We are going to apply this lesson to our bra game today. I should not be able to see the tops, sides and bottoms of your breasts spilling out of the two cup sizes ago bra that you are smuggling under that t-shirt. I also should not be able to see your underwire breaking free from said tired old bra. Bras can be expensive, I know – but stores like JC Penney and Macy’s often have great sales on super supportive and cute bras. You want to keep the twins looking their best, and no one looks good with four alien babies popping out from all over. Keep them contained, give them the support they need and they won’t turn on you so quickly. We all need somebody to lean on.
Fellaaaas…these are for you, cuties – never want to leave you out of the fashion tough love.
4. Slim Jim. Gentlemen, I know that I mentioned this same epidemic in Foolishness and Canuckery, and I really don’t want to keep assaulting an injured Mr. Ed about it – but I still see it, a lot. So I thought maybe you guys needed to let some feelings out, get to the root of what’s really going on. I have a few psychology degrees and thought maybe we could talk it out, and why you want to look like Roscoe from Martin. And I understand that not everyone is in to the more Euro tight-fitting jeans and shirts fad, and I want you to stay true to your style – but you wearing Goliath’s clothes is not your style. Learn your measurements for dress shirts, make friends with a good tailor, try things on before you buy them. It’s just best for everyone that you stick with clothes that can’t fit the whole crew inside. Here is a good test: if you can take your pants off and your boxers are still covered by your shirt – it’s too long. If you reach for a pen and your entire hand is covered by your shirt sleeve – it’s too big. Do something about this please, this is the second time we’re having this talk and third time we’re fighting.
5. I pity the fool. Now Mr. T is a bad man. Tough, strong, masculine. But there is a reason that he was a character on an 80s tv show, and these same reasons shouldn’t find their way in to your daily wardrobe. I can name a dozen stores in Pittsburgh that sell these gold-plated chains with huge dollar sign pendants, and the grocery store quarter machines aren’t even included in this list. This is really unacceptable. I know I pushed you all to start adding some accessories to your wardrobe but you have really gone overboard with this. Keep it simple. Get yourself a thin chain with a dog tag. Or even a little more understated chain with a reasonable sized pendant. *sigh* Seeing this, in 2011, really lets me know how slowly we have moved out of the foolery of our past. I know that you know better, give Vanilla Ice his riches back and stop looking like a daggone fool.
6. WHYkiki? Now maybe this last one is just a product of my work environment. I work in the computer science department of a major university and these eyesores are what alert me to the first signs of nerd summer. These and socks with sandals with the velcro. I pretty much avoid looking around the entire work day because I can’t hold my tongue about this any more. Hawaiian shirts are never a viable outfit option. Do you hear me? Never. I’m not even sure I would like these if I lived in Hawaii. Fanny packs, visors and cameras around your neck are the only accessories that match these unlovelies - and if you’re wearing those then I have stylishly disowned you and cut you out of the will. A solid, striped, plaid, or checkered button down will give you the exact same shape with less of the Quagmire look. And I know that Elvis wore Hawaiian shirts, and he was quite the ladies man, but he was in Hawaii singing about being in Hawaii at the time. I can’t control what you pull from the bottom of your hamper and throw on for work, but I can make posts that rant about them and hope to get enough people on board to shame you out of making this horrible decision. And that’s exactly what I intend to do.
Geeze, the list of don’ts got longer this time. Just think about what you put on your body, and stick that extra effort in to make sure it’s not wrinkled or stained before you do. You will do better. And if/when you don’t, best believe I will be right here to lay down the law.
So what do you think? Am I wrong about any of these terrible offenses? Anything else to add to the list?
Have a great weekend everyone! Enjoy some sun and see you back on Monday with something sooo cool, can’t wait to share it with you!
Dirt isn’t the only thing you need to get off them shoulders,